Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
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