I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
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