Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
Randomize
