her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
Randomize
