Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
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