turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Randomize
