I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
