Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
3pm strippers are depressing
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
Randomize
