I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
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Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
She used the word "fragged" in proper context. tell me that's not bust-nut hot.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
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She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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