I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
Ever since I discovered that youporn works on blackberry, my brickbreaker skills have gone to shit
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Randomize
