This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
