So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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