hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
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