He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
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