sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
