I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
