I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
Randomize
