Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
Random question, how's your gag reflex these days
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
