not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
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