My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
false alarm, still single
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
