Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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