After last night, I could never be a politician.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
Ryab! Make hr wtop. Mshe make sme speee. I don want to pee. I want sev. He was so igbad. Redpo.
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
Randomize
