I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
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