my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
Its so akward after he cums on my face. like usually the porn just ends
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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