So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
He had one of those small greek statue penises
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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