I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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