We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
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