I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
Did you pee in the oven last night??
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
