she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize
