whoever gets the blood i just donated is getting a shit ton of free thc
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
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