Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
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