i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize