We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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