How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
Randomize
