It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
