Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
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