Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
last final went out with a bang.. 20 min late bra-less, cum in my hair and i still cant find my shoes.
Randomize
