I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Randomize
