Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Randomize
