Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
Randomize
