So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
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