I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Randomize
