the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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