I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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