If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
Randomize
