I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
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