Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
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