Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
Randomize
