Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
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So what's going on?
We hit boys town to get stupid. I mean invading Iraq stupid.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
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My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
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