Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
if you need to find her look her up on www.imastupidslut.org
.org?
yeah. they're non profit. helps them sleep at night.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
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