They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
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