the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
if I hooked up with that creppy kkid in bio does that count as doing charity work during the holidays?
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
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