yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
Randomize
