I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
Randomize
