I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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