Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.