she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
I need to wash the frat house off of me
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Randomize
