I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
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