im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
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