Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
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