he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
Randomize
